Letter 37 - White Ice

Hello Bregdan Women!

You’ve got Suess today…

Life offers to me, to you, to each of us multiple occasions to hold ourselves away from other people. We allow hurt feelings to build emotional walls. I allow hurt feelings to build a wall and then stand shivering, alone in the middle of it.

Why oh why do we put ourselves ---why oh why do I put myself in the midst of that emotional solitude?

This poem is for all of us - for all of me - to remember that I can choose to thaw. Thaw out the emotional walls and allow connection to flow. I desire to stay connected to those I love - I have to choose to feel my emotions, heal from my hurt and dare to let love, courage and connection replace stoic standoff behavior.

No, I do not mean we allow abuse and toxicity. Not ever. I do purpose that life is richer when I live in love & forgiveness; when I live inside these whispered words:" i need you -i love you - i am sorry ".

Small everyday slights are unavoidable. Small neglectful acts are normal when people live together - work together - worship together- serve together. People are distracted and selfish. Yet, when those I love are kept outside in a cold chasm around my life, I suffer.

"i need you -i love you - i am sorry" -- each day.

"i need you -i love you - i am sorry" should be my mantra as I strive to live in my power, my courage, in my truth.

I hope you enjoy reading the following words and that the words supplement your courage to live in freedom to say to that person: both in the mirror as well as the person sitting next to you. . ." i need you - i love you - i am sorry."

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white ice

white ice coating the surface of my heart

icy breath escaping my lungs - tinging my tongue

my mind numbed from emotion giving no words to my echoing voice waning within my soul

spiritually paralyzed in bitterness, arctic and polar, frozen in place

feeling the crack give way.

by nature, i hold myself distant and aloof

yet today

bitterness consuming and nothingness remains

yearning for control, i seek inward

and

rummage for heat

passion

desire

warmth

warmth to loose my tongue – to unchain my voice -

warmth thawing my mute

uttering particle pronouncements, i bow to self

holding the corners of my mind littered with demands, bordering on chaos --

i ask for patience, tolerance, grace

i maneuver

sidestepping, across the damn debris of demand-

and i kicking away obligations, i scream

help me . . . prepare for the ‘morrow

help me . . . uncover the simple peace i crave – you deserve

help me . . . recover the ‘you’ I know –

time is fleeting. flying.

flying by me. flying by you. flying by us.

the time is now to say aloud my usually whispered thoughts.

no delay

no pause

no deferral

no procrastinate

i need you -i love you- i am sorry.

the words bouncing throughout my mind ricocheting upon emotions

while salty tears fall - angst flowing down my cheeks.

the words form once again, echoing in the still silence of me.

i need you -i love you - i am sorry

i need you -i love you - i am sorry

i need you -i love you - i am sorry

i need you -i love you - i am sorry

desperate for your ears to hear my heart,

i

want

you

back

inside

my

life.

i need you – i love you – i am sorry.

can you open your arms and let me in?

will you look beyond my ice and dare to understand?

would you usher my warmth?

could you hear my silence?

how to bridge the space of our distance?

what else can i do?

thread bare connections pulling at memories,

straining to embrace the 'us' that is now.

can past love weather the current storm winds of change?

what else can i do? can you? will you? will i?

brave soul i know you to be...will you too utter the same?

will you say aloud whispered thoughts?

your own: i need you - i love you - i am sorry. ....

o' hear hear hear my heart and know,

our time is fleeting, our life is short.

let me not waste precious tendrils of life

tufts of time

moments we hold

by

remaining threadbare and strained

icy and cold

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What will you do to be a Bregdan Woman?

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