Letter 25 - Do You Understand Their Power?
Hello Bregdan Women,
Ginny here…
It’s time to put this back out in the world. I first wrote it in 2015, but I believe that it’s a message that Bregdan Women need to hear often.
Most of you know I’m the author of the Bregdan Chronicles – a series of historical fiction novels. It is my greatest joy to write these books!
I read every one of my book reviews online, as well as reading every email and Facebook message. I read this on Facebook a few minutes ago…
Sounds like it’s just me but I had trouble adjusting to the view of Carrie Cromwell being strong willed and independent and yet crying at the drop of a hat. Likewise, the other female characters. Too many tears!
I smiled. It sounded very similar to the one I read back in 2014, and others since.
Also, they’re constantly crying – tears brimming, swelling up, trickling down the cheek – just about every second page they seem to cry. After 5 books, I have the distinct impression that Carrie, Rose, and Aunt Abby went through extremely difficult times which would have made them very resilient and tough indeed. I cannot imagine that they have such loose waterworks. I found this quite irritating.
I thought about these reviews for a long time – not because I was offended or hurt – but because it goes so deeply to the core of people’s perceptions.
Let me start by telling you a story.
My childhood was very difficult. I was 5 when my father left. Though I don’t remember most of my childhood, I do remember that day clearly. I walked around our front yard crying. I believed that if I cried, my father would know how much I was hurting, and he would come home. He left anyway. I made a few decisions that day.
– Don’t ever show your feelings because they don’t matter.
– Don’t ever cry because no one cares.
Those decisions carried me through for quite a while. It was 8 years before I shed another tear.
Everyone simply saw me as the class clown – cheerful and happy-go-lucky. No one knew I was dying inside.
The day I understood the power of God (at age 14) is the day I cried again. I decided God must be pretty powerful if I cried! Impressive, but not life changing in regard to tears.
Another 7 years would pass before I cried again…
I was convinced tears were a sign of weakness. I thought they did nothing but make you vulnerable. I thought they were simply not a part of my being a strong, powerful girl/woman. I felt sorry for those women who cried so easily and showed their emotions. Surely there had to be something wrong with them!
To say I’ve changed and grown would be putting it mildly. When I had an opportunity to put these thoughts into book # 6 (Glimmers of Change), I took it. So, if you haven’t read it yet, here is your sneak preview of one passage… (Don’t worry – it doesn’t reveal anything about the story.)
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Carrie frowned when tears filled her eyes. “Don’t you get tired of me crying?”
“Why would I get tired of you crying?” Abby asked in astonishment.
“I’m supposed to be a strong, independent woman,” Carrie responded. “Shouldn’t that bring with it a certain toughness that would preclude crying so much?”
“Do you think it should?” Abby asked carefully.
Carrie laughed suddenly. “I feel like it’s five years ago and I’m eighteen again. You always just asked me questions back then, too.”
Abby smiled, but her gaze was steady. “I really want to know. Do you think being strong and independent means you shouldn’t cry? Do you want to be tough?”
Carrie considered the question. Finally, she shook her head. “I know tough women,” she said. “I don’t really want to be like them.”
“Do you think the tough women you know don’t have feelings?”
Carrie thought carefully, sensing this was an important discussion. “I think everyone has feelings,” she finally said. “I think they’ve just learned how to not show them.”
“Why do you suppose that is?”
Carrie shook her head, suddenly impatient with the questions. “Does it matter?”
Abby narrowed her eyes. “I think it does.”
Now it was Carrie’s turn to ask the questions. “Why?”
Abby chuckled. “Turning the tables on me, are you?” Her expression turned serious. “I do think it matters. I’ve watched so many women become tough and hard. At first, I thought it was a necessary part of being strong and independent, or just an expected result of going through horrible times, but the more time I spent with those women, the more I realized I didn’t want to live that way. I didn’t want to shut down my emotions, and I didn’t want to carry the guilt that tears are a sign of weakness.”
“So, you don’t think they are?” Carrie was suddenly relieved.
“I think they’re a sign of strength,” Abby declared, laughing at Carrie’s astonished expression. “Women have always cried more easily than men. I prefer to think it’s because we are extra tender inside. Being strong and independent doesn’t change that tenderness unless we let it. I want to live my life freely as a woman – not try to become a man in order to make my life easier. I believe that is the whole point of fighting for women’s rights. It’s not just about getting the vote,” she said, and then paused, staring out over the countryside. “It’s about the right to live as a woman the way I want to live.”
Carrie stared at her. “You’ve thought about this a great deal,” she realized.
“I have,” Abby agreed. “I love the fact that your heart feels deeply enough to shed tears. You and Rose have both kept that ability, even after all the horror you went through in the war. So many others have shut down their emotions because they believe it will protect them from pain.”
“But it doesn’t,” Carrie murmured.
“No, it doesn’t,” Abby said softly. “You are getting ready to live your dream, but it is also going to carry pain. You’re going to miss Robert every day. You’re going to miss Rose and Moses. You’re going to miss the plantation. You’re going to miss the freedom to run Granite down the roads. You’re going to miss driving into Richmond to visit your father and me.”
Carrie blinked tears again, but this time she didn’t brush them away. “I will miss it all,” she said softly.
“It’s okay to feel it,” Abby said. “I already know you’ll push through the pain to make the most of this new time in your life. There is no need to harden yourself. You may cry yourself to sleep a lot, but that’s okay – even for a woman doctor.”
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What do YOU think about shedding tears? Are they a sign of weakness? Or strength?
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What will you do today to impact history??
We’re on this journey with you… (And have 2 FREE gifts for you below!)
Ginny & Suess
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Definitely Strength! Tears are cathartic and physically healing. What is wrong with showing true and open emotion? I'm thankful that I was raised by a strong and no nonsense mother. Unlike my mother, who was not a crier until her later years, I cry at the DROP of a hat, always have. I still cry at episodes of Little House on the Prairie, even though I've watched them all Umpteen times. From my teenage years I could always fit in with the masses but chose to have only 2 close friends. This is how I still live my life. I believe that many of us put too much stock in the opinions of other people who do not bear significance in our lives. I know that when the day is over it's me, my God and my family.
So, cry when you're happy. Cry when you're sad. Cry when you're frustrated. Cry when you don't know what to do--this cry can sometime stop you from doing plain dumb stuff. Cry whenever the need arises.
Carrie, Rose and Abby absolutely do not cry too much! Life was bloody tough and full way past the brim for them. I wish I had a flux capacitor/space time continuum portal to make them real and be able to visit for 1 day, I know I'm not strong enough for more than that. When I read, I'm constantly thanking the Almighty for when and where I was born, Mercy.
Thank you Ginny for blessing the world with your gifts and talents. Grandpa, she's doing it!!
Loved this the first time I read it! Thanks for the retake on the importance of our emotions as well as our interactions.